Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Biography

Statutory Warning:

1. The post is embellished with umpteen brackets (and brackets inside brackets (see, I told you!))…Sorrrrrrrry, had least choice there!!

2. Do not pacify with "The subject". I know he lacks the intellectual fortitude to debate himself!

P.S.Mockers and scorners do not end up in heaven! So thought, I might as well post this, since I’m frying in hell anyways!

Read on...

I always wanted to write a book. (Did I hear someone laughing?? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!)
But (and trust me, this happens to be a very biiiiiiiiiiig BUT without a double T), I was always scared.

What if, what I write never gets published???

Now come on!! How does one possibly manage to find a publisher who is balmy enough to print the ramblings of a seldom lucid mind? (Yeah, that’s the polite version of “No body’s going to publish the loadacrap I write!!”)

So while this budding writer in me (nipped at the bud..booohooo!!) was lost in her reveries, searching for THE muse, the “Eureka” moment struck in a few nanoseconds ago (And just like the God damn frenzy bitch I’m, I intend to very well capitalize on it ;) )

So, here goes the deal. It’s going to be a (The) biography.

Of whom? (Bingo! Not bad, I got some intelligent readers after all!!)

Well, it happens to be one of these “social animals” I have known for the past one year
(BTW today commemorates 1 year of that stomach –churning- roller -coaster experience!!)

Exuse me???Did I really say 1 year???(Yeah sometimes you are stronger than you think you are!! (And I do get philosophical at times…(Now all you morons out there, Google the word Sarcasm!!))

Alright..let me cut the crap out and focus on my subject (Ohho..“Subject” sounds so very uninteresting..Let’s call him…hmmm..ABCD..Arre that’s purely random with no dual meaning intended, what-so-ever)

So ABCD is ..is ..is ..(Hell No!! I’m already stumbling for adjectives, how on earth am I going to finish an entire book on him???) You see, how taxing the ABCD project can get on your brains?? For the simple reason that writing about him makes you feel so very intellectually lost!!!

Then why him?

Because, I can lay a bet for my life, there’s no one who can be as highly amusing to all concerned as him.
(In fact, I’m very disappointed with the researcher’s going bonkers over Einstein’s brain!
I know..I know.. my words are held in high regard by one and all, so here are my two cents…

Dear neurologists of America,
Although it may seem that ABCD had been inflicted with a major head injury when he speaks, but trust me, by far, he still is the best-amongst-the-worst-harmless-human model-of-insanity.
(You loopy scientists!! Where will you get such an archetype??? Grab him right-away!!))

Nonetheless, the million dollar question still hanging in the air is, “How is ABCD like??”

(Now that’s a spoiler, you don’t want me to divulge all the details about him…do you?
You bunch of sadists..who will buy the book then?? Yes I am bloody calculative!!!
Okiee..chalo.. just for the sake of building up the reader’s anticipation.. I will braid in a little bit of details..happy??)

Generally, I’m a very polite person, but when it comes to ABCD I have to let go of my usually genteel self. So do not get startled by what follows. It is NOT mean, it is plain honest, just like a bullet right through your forehead (Muuuuuaaaaaaah..kya dialogue hai!! Ditto Rajnikant. Actually, for all the obvious reasons, when it’s him; I talk in bullets!!)

Alright then, here goes the sampler…

10 things that make ABCD a highly (un) intresting subject to pen down.

1. ABCD thinks..I repeat..he thinks..he is a smart ass. Right?
(Wrong!! In my worthy opinion, he is and will be the 1st and the only Witless Wonder on this earth.And he is a league in himself, with no legitimate contender to follow.)

2. ABCD thinks he is shrewd enough to win over a rich-widow and live happily ever after. (And I think he’s totally and definitely going to Hell!!)

3. ABCD thinks of him as one of the jauntiest fellows of his times and space.
(I wouldn’t have disagreed, only and only if he would have shaven!! He is hopelessly lazy. I pray this glorious male ritual makes a comeback in his life with a regular periodicity! )

4. ABCD loves talking. PERIOD. (ABCD= Kareena Kapoor in Jab We Met !! In fact, he is one of those guys who would start digging up the old graves and wake up the dead, just to talk if he is stranded in a graveyard by chance.)

5. ABCD loves food. And cooking? (Well, we will save that discussion for some other occasion.) So, if there’s one guy who is not only capable of self-invitation but chalking out the menu in YOUR head as well, it’s him! Spell food and his face goes as radiant as a 100 watt Bajaj bulb (But then you also forget if your table cloth has haldi stains, there are not enough plates or you might get third degree burns frying the kachoris. It’s always a pleasure seeing him eat. And this is THE only and good exception about him that needs to be registered! Yeah..right.. I see it coming.. A keg of ego pumping in somewhere in US of A)

5. ABCD assumes he has an awesome sense of humor. (Well…that’s the mother of all jokes!! You know he is running out of wit and is buying time when he simply starts coughing!!)

6. While ABCD thinks he can defy the time capsule (He is of the “Mera dil jawaan hai” types), I’m thinking of gifting him a mirror on his birthday. (Dude, factually speaking, those days are not far away when the Archaeological Society of India will start giving you a historical monument status!)

7. ABCD claims that he can catch every goal that my thoughts make while frolicking through the playground of my mind, but I believe he underplays it!! (Talking to a concrete wall is saner, because it’s extremely unlikely that he would contemplate the better of it without making your speech an out-and-out flop show!)

8. ABCD likes to assume that he has a huge fan following (read female) across the globe. (Dude, Knock Knock, your wake up call is long overdue!! You are No.1 on the hit list of people who want to spank you as soon as they see you. So don’t be alarmed if you go jogging and you have someone crawling out of the manhole, pouncing on you. It’s got to be one of your die hard (“you die hard”) fans!!)

9. Now while ABCD might be under an impression that he was an Angel with a halo in a quaint-little town called Ulm (let me rephrase it: A darn boring-village called Ulm), I would like to clear the thick fog around his head…I would rather kill myself before I say that!! (No wonder I was always miserable during those 6 months!!!)

10. ABCD claims he can’t be intertwined in the nuptial knot. (The yet modest truth remains that no girl would marry him even if she is held at gun point!!)

So reader’s by the end of it you must have realised that Life is not fair and ABCD should get used to it. (ABCD who???What???? You people already threw your PCs out of the window????)

Never mind…

ABCD (cough..cough) you know I was joking, right? So the invite to U.S. is still very much on?

(Photo courtesy:http://youaresafehere.com/images/biography.gif)


justforpraveen said...

This ABCD sounds great ! ha ha

Arpita said...

Yeah..until you meet him in flesh n bones ;)

The More Confused ABCD said...


ABCD kush hua!!!! And inspite of extending your streak in continuing to be mean "ONLY" to me, the or rather my invitation is always open..

Gotcha read it one more time. Probably a good insight into myself. And thanks for including me for a second time in our virtual(??) world....

Arpita said...

Dude..why fight the popular opinion??
I ain't an exception..I'm sure your "extended family" thinks of you pretty much the same..just that they got no courage to be verbal about it!!

If being honest=being mean..so be it;)

And need I say how difficult it is to endure you in "real time"...the virtual world suits me just fine.

Anonymous said...

i guess it wud be you..

Arpita said...

@Mr/Ms Anonymous
Sorry, didn't get the context of your comment.A little bit of elucidation would help.Tx:)