Sometimes you just want your life to work. Is it easy? Usually not.
The black ‘n’ white, happy ‘n’ sad megalo-logics of life have significant limitations when it comes to the emotional gray area of the brain, especially of people dying with pain. Okieeeee, I wanted it to be hauntingly poignant, but looks like it didn’t come out right again.
In simple words, I am dealing with an “incurable disease” and that too gallantly. I know, writing this for the “nth” time will not get me critical acclaim, but let me be a little immodest, since this happens to be MY blog!
Being all happy OR all sad doesn’t work for me anymore, but I am thankful and overwhelmed that I have (or trying?) to score a middle ground that works for me most of the times. To find acceptance in life is tough. Some days I don’t care. On rough days I do, when I go bumbling around, looking for something more to it than just pain.
For one who sought perfection all her life, I have been miles away from reality. But trust me, the closest thing to reality is: There’s only one life. With/without pain, perfect/darn imperfect; you got to take it or just leave it!
There are lots of things that I can’t do anymore, but a lot more that I do and couldn’t have done earlier. Life has slowed down for my age, but now I am able to breathe in the beauty of life, I ran past earlier. I can love the sick, physically challenged and old a lot lot more than before. And of course, popping in the God-damn pills! So while they continue to boost my current belief that I am the most painful one on the planet, I give them some respect in making my life a lot more tangible. May be some day, I will accept it all and find all of it normal.
The days when I am unsure about my abilities (remember the rough days?) and wonder how far I will go, I just turn back and see. I see my family, who have been generous enough to shoulder my radioactive baggage of problems and saved me the trouble of going through this all alone.
And I see the man I love. At times, I feel what should I do with him? But most of the times, I feel, what would I do without him! For He is the only one who reminds me that being a kid again is OK and that Life's one long picnic after all! "JR" has promised me beautiful babies. Pure bliss? Yes :)