Friday, December 10, 2010

The Happy and Sad Life.

Sometimes you just want your life to work. Is it easy? Usually not.

The black ‘n’ white, happy ‘n’ sad megalo-logics of life have significant limitations when it comes to the emotional gray area of the brain, especially of people dying with pain. Okieeeee, I wanted it to be hauntingly poignant, but looks like it didn’t come out right again.

In simple words, I am dealing with an “incurable disease” and that too gallantly. I know, writing this for the “nth” time will not get me critical acclaim, but let me be a little immodest, since this happens to be MY blog!

Being all happy OR all sad doesn’t work for me anymore, but I am thankful and overwhelmed that I have (or trying?) to score a middle ground that works for me most of the times. To find acceptance in life is tough. Some days I don’t care. On rough days I do, when I go bumbling around, looking for something more to it than just pain.

For one who sought perfection all her life, I have been miles away from reality. But trust me, the closest thing to reality is: There’s only one life. With/without pain, perfect/darn imperfect; you got to take it or just leave it!

There are lots of things that I can’t do anymore, but a lot more that I do and couldn’t have done earlier. Life has slowed down for my age, but now I am able to breathe in the beauty of life, I ran past earlier. I can love the sick, physically challenged and old a lot lot more than before. And of course, popping in the God-damn pills! So while they continue to boost my current belief that I am the most painful one on the planet, I give them some respect in making my life a lot more tangible. May be some day, I will accept it all and find all of it normal.

The days when I am unsure about my abilities (remember the rough days?) and wonder how far I will go, I just turn back and see. I see my family, who have been generous enough to shoulder my radioactive baggage of problems and saved me the trouble of going through this all alone.

And I see the man I love. At times, I feel what should I do with him? But most of the times, I feel, what would I do without him! For He is the only one who reminds me that being a kid again is OK and that Life's one long picnic after all! "JR" has promised me beautiful babies. Pure bliss? Yes :)

Photo courtesy:


zigzagtrail said...

Almost everyone who knows me except my parents does not know I have a incurable disease.

Even worse I saw two relatives dying a severely painful death in their late 20's while I knew I was suffering from the same and I was a small kid then.

It came as a shock to me but I had will and courage to take control of my life. I took extra care of myself and all the symptoms related to the disease haven't surfaced any problems since decades.My doctor is pleasantly surprised.

My parents literally cried when I decided to go to IIT for studies because they were worried about my health.Despite getting a good rank my dad wanted me to reject it and stay with them because of my health issue.

8 years 2 jobs later,having left footprints in 13+ countries lived longer durations in 4, I now own a energy IT company.

Most importantly I lead a normal life :).I have a long way to go.

Arpita said...

Kudos! You've been there and did that.
And as Robert Frost said, "Miles to Go Before I Sleep", we got a long-long way to go!
Love life, and here's 3 cheers to the thought!

Harish Nandagopal said...

Hey.. coming here after a long time and for once am binding my sarcasm down.

If you ask me, life's not meant to be perfect, cause perfection means saturation and the spice is lost. And Life's the reality its not the closest. And yeah it is how you take it.

Am glad to the see this perspective (ofcourse I know I could be very inspirational..!!! ;)) and am sure you will get back to being what you used to be with support from wonderful people like, yours truly and others. ;) :P

Good post..!!!