Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Better left unsaid.

How does one deal with those “Sita Mayya” moments…You know what I mean?? Moments when you want the earth to just rip open and swallow you right away!

Moments when someone hits you “bannnnnnnnng”….just on target and “The Argumentative You” who loves to convince people otherwise, avoids a debate.

The following remark from someone today, left me helplessly churning my teeth to dust!

XYZ: "You know what? Sometimes the chirpiness in your voice only seems to accentuate the sadness inside. So, don’t laugh”

And all I could manage was saying aloud to myself "Goddammit! Let it go…just breath easy"

XYZ, I didn’t ask you then, but now I want to, really, even if I am not allowed to, “What do you expect me to do?”

Feel morose about the slow, gradual decline of my health?

Or look around my empty house and think how easy it was for some people to lay claim on all the memories, commodify them and just walk out of my life? Or continue to feel sad about others who are still doing pretty much the same and are thinking that Iam stupid enough not to notice.

Or cry over the fact that everyday I kill myself working for someone who doesn’t pay me an ounce of respect for that?

Or get mad at the fact that no amount of planning helps me because I am stuck up with a plain dumb luck!

Or brood over things that shouldn’t have happened but happened anyhow or those which should have happened but didn’t or never will.

Or lament over today’s conversation, where I had to give up arguing even with a dimwit-weirdo like you, beacuse for a change, he picked on the right wounds.

We all and even I may have a definite set of reasons to complain, but does it actually help even a bit to improve the situation? And this very thought, outweighs the grieving action, each time.

I am not cheating, stealing, lying or hurting anyone. I am just not telling everything. Even if I am in pain or I am sad, I don’t admit it. And it’s almost always as simple as that.

I don’t want to unveil my feelings for public consideration, where I face the prospect of being judged and possibly afflicted. When people whom I trusted and poured out even the "ugly me" didn’t abstain from persecuting me because of my weakness, I would rather choose to maintain my integrity by leaving certain things unsaid and unexpressed.

I know the logic sounds a bit screwed up and the façade doesn’t really help in making you feel any stronger inside, every time. But all that chirpiness does add some survival value :)

I guess you will have to agree with me now, unless you have something else to challenge my arguments, tomorrow ?? ;)

As on 1.10.2009 :

I find this post highly stupid now!!
I said it all.
But won't delete or modify it for the simple reason that it was still ME, even if it isn't how I want myself to be, today or thereafter.


Anand said...

its not ugly or stupid post ma'am.
sorry, long time...
was/am too busy these days. will try to catch up, provided u pick my call (my last 5 calls has not been received, so i stopped trying)

Arpita said...

Hahahahaha. You only said once
"Never say never" I was putting you to test ;)

And please don't bother about the post..I mean when you are pacing the floor and losing sleep you do end up with some literal puke..acutely dramatic but sterile :)

But Iam a happy girl:) tussi fikar na kitta!